Anonymous Joker

Joke stolen from: Anonymous Joker

This is really what happens when we get a little snow... "panic mode sets in"

SNOW IN VICTORIA & NAMAIMO:

6:22 a.m. Temperature plunges. Word spreads that a Victoria man has found ice on his windshield! Curious neighbors gather to watch him scrape it off with a credit card. One motorist, a former Albertan, claims that use of mysterious "defrost" switch on dashboard can aid in process.

9:30 a.m. Canadian Tire has sold both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, umbrellas, plywood, cookie sheets and boogie boards.

10 a.m. Golfers switch to orange balls. Beacon Hill Park cricket players, anxious not to repeat the ugly "snow blower incident" of the Blizzard of '96, switch to orange uniforms.

Noon: Word of impending West Coast snowfall tops newscasts across Canada. Saskatoon hospitals report an epidemic of sprained wrists related to viewers high-fiving one another.

1:20 p.m. Elementary schools call in grief counselors. However, the grief counselors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires.

2:30 p.m. Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by large number of four-wheel-drives abandoned by side of road.

2:50 p.m. Airplanes are grounded and ferries are docked. There's no way to travel between the Island and rest of the world. The Victoria Times Colonist newspaper headline blares: "Mainland cut off from Civilization."

3:22 p.m. Prime Minister Harper announces Canada 's DART rapid-response team can be on the ground within six months." We can't leave Victoria to deal with 225 centimeters of snow on its own," he tells Mayor Fortin. "Um, that's two to five centimeters, not two-two-five," replies the Mayor. The Prime Minister, feeling foolish, hangs up.

3:33 p.m. Provincial government responds to crisis by installing slot machines in homeless shelters.

4:10 p.m. At behest of Provincial Emergency Program people, authorities begin adding Prozac to drinking water.

4:15 p.m. Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence and looting. Grocery shoppers riot across the city - except in Oak Bay, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them.

4:30 p.m. Bracing for the arrival of snow, the city is gripped by an eerie stillness reminiscent of Baghdad on the eve of the invasion. Searchlights comb darkening sky for first sign of precipitation.

4:48 p.m. Panic ripples across the region as word comes in that the first flakes of snow have fallen on the Malahat. False alarm! "Flakes" turn out to be nothing more than anthrax spores released by terrorists. An uneasy calm returns to the city.

5:40 p.m. Television reporter, Ed Bain, shaking uncontrollably, tells viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern could go on for days. Mercury is plummeting to Calgary-in-August levels. Martial law is considered. Victoria-area politicians announce plans to establish an emergency command centre aboard HMCS Regina once it reaches Oahu.

And so it goes.....

Joke stolen from: Anonymous Joker

CAT HAIKUS (ones I'd never seen either) I can't remember who sent these to me though! The food in my bowl Is old, and more to the point Contains no tuna. So you want to play. Will I claw at dancing string? Your ankle's closer. There's no dignity In being sick: which is why I don't tell you where. Seeking solitude I am locked in the closet. For once I need you. Tiny can, dumped in Plastic bowl Presentation, One star; service: none. Am I in your way? You seem to have it backwards: This pillow's taken. Your mouth is moving; Up and down, emitting noise. I've lost interest. The dog wags his tail, Seeking approval. See mine? Different message. My brain: walnut-sized. Yours: largest among primates. Yet, who leaves for work? Most problems can be Ignored. The more difficult Ones can be slept through. My affection is conditional. Don't stand up, It's your lap I love. Cats can't steal the breath Of children. But if my tail's Pulled again, I'll learn. I don't mind being Teased, any more than you mind A skin graft or two. So you call this thing Your cat carrier. I call These my blades of death. Toy mice, dancing yarn Meowing sounds. I'm convinced: You're an idiot.

Joke stolen from: Anonymous Joker

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. after a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "could be worse I think mine was a witch." "A witch, why the hell would you say that?" "Well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window ."

Joke stolen from: Anonymous Joker

The Guys' Rules We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what AUBERGINE is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or BASKETBALL. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Joke stolen from: Anonymous Joker

Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears a....... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.... Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of ROBITUSSIN . Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition, and... the coffin stops.