BattyBe

Joke stolen from: BattyBe

We have a brand new crop of dancing stars. Rumer Willis is one of the stars this season. You may know her from such work as ... her father being Bruce Willis. --Jimmy Kimmel

Joke stolen from: BattyBe

"Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride!'" --Kathleen Madigan

Joke stolen from: BattyBe

Quote of the Day: "It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket." --June Henderson

Joke stolen from: BattyBe

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." --Douglas Adams

Joke stolen from: BattyBe

In New Jersey, Chris Christie joked that he gave up The New York Times for lent. But then his priest told him he had to give up something he'd actually miss. --Jimmy Fallon