Bisonettes Chip Pile

Joke stolen from: Bisonettes Chip Pile

One day, while relieving himself in the employee rest room, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal.

"How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?"

"Well," replied the black man, "when having sex, just push it in slowly, pull it out quick. That exercises it."

After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife. That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked,

"Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?"

"Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"

Joke stolen from: Bisonettes Chip Pile

While driving cross country a man ran out of gas. Walked for a few miles in the rain and came to a house. After banging on the door for 10 minutes he decided to leave, but saw something in the window. There stood a nude couple, the woman squeezing her tits and the man beating his dick with an umbrella. After watching for a while, the guy wrote them off as loonies and went in the direction of the next house. The neighbors were friendly and helped out in what ever way they could, the guy couldn't resist describing what he saw in the first house. The woman laughed and said, "Oh, they carry on that conversation all the time."

"What do you mean?" asked the puzzled traveler.

"Well you see, they're a deaf couple. She was asking her husband to go milk the cow and he was saying, "Fuck you bitch, it's raining!"

Joke stolen from: Bisonettes Chip Pile

[Thieving Joker's Note: The rest of this mailing is this set of puns. If you are addicted to puns, read on, if not, then it might be a bit much for ya... ]

"Puns of the Weak" for the week ending 5/25/01

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight! (Renee from Napa)

The doctor fell in the well and broke his colorbone. Doctors should tend the sick and leave the well alone. (Pun American Newsletter)

PUNY Riddle Chain: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake? In a stationary store. (Stan Kegel)

A young cowboy asked his father, "Do you think I can make a good living riding wild horses in a rodeo?" His dad replied, "You should get a couple of bucks out of it." (Bill Rayborn)

Marriage: A situation of wife and debt. (Ric)

Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes (Pun of the Day)

The secretary considered her stern boss a dictator. (Jumble)

The Queen's not a pal But it's funny; on money She's my coined of gal! (John S. Crosbie)

How do you mend a broken heart? With ticker tape. (Richard Lederer)

Birth control is the evasion of the issue (Henny Youngman)

Those who Khan, conquor! Those who Kant, write! (J. A. Mc.)

1.5713: Half a pi (Stan Kegel)

Punch Line; Group of people at a party waiting to get a drink from a bowl (Leonard Fechtner)

Avenue: Thanks to Mom and Dad, avenue baby brother. (Syman Hirsch)

Pfizer Drug Co. has issued a guarantee for Viagra. They'll give you your money back with no hard feelings. (Renee from Napa)

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. (Joe E. Lewis)

"We are having mother for dinner, darling." "Make sure she's well done." (Terry Galan)

Chickens can give some people a foul rash. (Pun of the Day)

When the new conductor arrived, the orchestra played musical chairs. (Jumble)

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time? (Doug Aiken)

In 1968 pantsuits for women became fashionable, but many ladies tried to skirt the issue. (Syman Hirsch)

Absentee: A Missing Golfing Accessory. (Dave Coble)

Show me a Chinese spy and I'll show you a Peking Tom. (Gil Krebs)

When my laundry business was washed up, I didn't take a powder even though I had no money to tide me over. (Les Dawson)

A. Osmosis Q. I understand you're Aaron's brother. What's your name? (Don Kirkman)

Most men who win muscle contests win atrophy. (Scot Nelson)

A successful acupuncture is a jab well done. (The Pundit)

Minniehaha: A very, very small joke. (Anne Kostick)

Mixture for the soul Caribbean music is A reggemarole. (Robert A. Comp)

"Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?" asked Tom negligently. (Henry Brender)

What do people who live near the YMCA have in common with Gomer Pyle? They're gym neighbors (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

Making your own hard liquor is a whiskey business. (Pun of the Day)

Stuffing twenty students into a tiny car turned into a cram session. (Jumble)

What is an innuendo? An Itialian suppository! (Daily Groaner)

The Bronte sisters all wrote novels and poems. They were engaged in a scribbling rivalry (Richard Lederer)

Ante Meridiem : That's why he's my Uncle. (Gunjab Saraf)

The story of cosmonauts who fall in love and start a family on board the Russian space station is entitled "From Mir to Maternity" (Gary Hallock)

A hypochondriac can't leave being well-enough alone. (Henny Youngman)

Festival: I have geography homework to do tonight, but festival I'm going to watch TV. (Syman Hirsch)

Faking: Pretender to the throne (Stan Kegel)

When I was in the army, I was asked if I would take a commission. I said no, I preferred a straight salary. (Les Dawson)

Have you heard about the new computer screen that fixes itself? It's a Christian Science monitor. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

"Do we need a frying pun to get bacon the right rack?", Sally fields the objection. (J. A. Mc.)

Parents! Don't forget; A baby born on a trip May be a triplet! (Herbert Underwood)

While Judy was negotiating a left turn, Tom reached over and pulled up the back of her sweater over the top of her head, and over her face. "Don't worry, you can still drive like this" Tom said pulling the wool over her eyes. (Scot Nelson)

Simple but effective advice for would-be vegetable gardeners: "Weed 'em and reap!" (Merlyn Baby)

The small bathroom in Robin Hood's house is called Little John. (Gill Krebs)

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. (Riddles and More)

An unemployed logger is a would worker. (Pun of the Day)

Headlines: Jury favors shooting victims in lawsuit against gun makers. (The Knoxville News - Sentinel)

Tasteless: A painting made by an artist without a palate. (Linda Hart)

A guy glanced at the prices at the auto parts store and said "Gimme a brake!" (Palmema)

Show me a stolen sausage and I'll show you a missing link. (Dave Coble)

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made. (George Burns)

"I normally lean slightly to the left but when I got the lead out, I straightened right up," Tom replied listlessly. (Rusty Smith)

A new lumberjack's union was started by a splinter group. (Pun of the Day)

When he suffered a spill, his ski vacation went downhill. (Jumble)

"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, then it's good enough for me." "Ma" Ferguson,Governor of Texas (circa 1920) (Dogbyte)

Shoplifters are cursed with the gift of grab, (Richard Lederer)

Why is Alice Ghostley? She's forever Faye Dunnaway.. (Gary Hallock)

Bulletin: The cowboy limped because he'd got a bulletin his leg. (Syman Hirsch)

Hunt bears, it was felt, And you might lose your pants. Wear A chase-Teddy belt! (Robert A. Comp)

A hard man is good to find. (Mae West)

Dialogue: Changing the color of a piece of wood (Jay Christie)

Did you hear about the procedure whereby a Nobel Prize winner furnishes sperm for artificial-insemination purposes that is referred to as "A Stroke of Genius"? (JokesRule)

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense, and the past perfect (Renee from Napa).

"I love hot dogs," mustarded Tom with relish. (Stan Kegel)

Prose: Paid athletes (Leonard Fechtner)

Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached. (Renee from Napa).

She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now. (Fred Allen)

Did you hear about the Transporter company that failed to materialize? (Dave Coble)

You don't get ulcers from what you eat. You get them from what's eating you. (Vickie Baum)

Show me a cat which just ate a lemon and I'll show you a sour puss. (Dave Coble)

Old golfers don't get mad, they just get a little teed off. (Apairist)

Beautiful legs are sometimes without equal but bow-legs are always without parallel. (Helen Hoke)

President: Cabinet maker (Leonard Fechtner)

They had a two-door car and a Tudor house. (Pun of the Day)

"I love hot dogs," mustarded Tom with relish. (Stan Kegel)

"The British army announced to boost morale they will offer their female soldiers free breasts implants. The new policy will take effect June 6, or what they're calling it, Double-D Day." (Conan O'Brien)

She was so Blonde that she wanted to sign up as an *organ* donor, but all she had was a guitar! (Miller Tyme)

"I saw that man remove my ballot from the box," said Tom devotedly. (Gill Krebs)

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. (Groucho Marx)

If you're a bit flat The butcher shop's often the Best place to get fat. (John S. Crosbie)

What's the favorite food among dogs at the animal shelter? Pound Cake (Scott Ryan)

A hypochondriac is a mis-fortune teller. (Henny Youngman)

Laser surgery on knees is done with knee-on lights. (Pun of the Day)

When the sink got plugged up, Dad plunged into it. (Jumble)

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on. (Savita/ Very Punny)

Joke stolen from: Bisonettes Chip Pile

What do men and computers have in common? They both wake up when you wiggle their mouse! -- JPhantom2001

Joke stolen from: Bisonettes Chip Pile

Two robins were sitting in a tree.'I'm really hungry', said the first one.

'Me, too' said the second.'Let's fly down and find some lunch.' They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they couldeat no more.

'I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree',said the first one.

'Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun', saidthe second.

'O.K.' said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,'I just love baskin' robins.'