Chucklebuns

Joke stolen from: Chucklebuns

I put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on." The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked." "Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer." "Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is in the fridge."

Joke stolen from: Chucklebuns

I took my five-year-old daughter with me while shopping for bathing suits. She didn't pay much attention as I tried on several one-piece styles, but when I put on a bikini she sat right up. "Mommy," she warned, "you're going to get a lot of mosquito bites in that one!"

Joke stolen from: Chucklebuns

In Colorado, Jack operates a cattle ranch near Durango where he occasionally employed an old Indian everyone called "chief." Chief was a hard worker and most of the cowboys liked him, but everyone knew he was an alcoholic. Jack felt sorry for the old reprobate and would give him some work whenever he could. One morning the chief got up early and still a bit hungover from the previous day, went to repair the outhouse. He got the top off the two holer, and was sawing and hammering away while he was drinking whisky in an unwise attempt to straighten himself out and stop his hands from shaking. Finally, "chief" got so tipsy that he fell into the pit under the two holer. He was unconscious for some time, and injured, so he could do nothing but laid there, passing into and out of conciousnes, til someone came to used the facility. After a few days, all of his friends were looking around the ranch for him, but thought he was on a bender in town. Then Jack went out one morning to do his business in the outhouse, and heard a few groans coming from the hole. He went and got a riata, lowered it in the pit, and pulled "chief" up. He was, naturally, quite a mess, since he was covered with 2 days worth of... well, you can guess !!... When they finally got the "chief" cleaned and bandaged up Jack said "My God "chief", you're a mess. How long were you down there?" The old fellow, coughed, cleared his throated, gave it a few minutes thought, looked up at Jack and gasped, "Many Moons!"

Joke stolen from: Chucklebuns

TIPS FROM THE *REDNECK* BOOK OF MANNERS! ***GENERAL BEHAVIOR*** 1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 2. It's considered poor taste to take a Budweiser cooler to church even if the NASCAR races do start at noon. 3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. ***DINING OUT *** 1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. ***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME *** 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. ***PERSONAL HYGIENE *** 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone... Deodorant is a waste of beer money. ***DATING (Outside the Family)*** 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. 4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad." ***WEDDINGS*** 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean Home Depot shirt can create too sporty an appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks, shoes and clean underwear for this special occasion. ***DRIVING ETIQUETTE *** 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Joke stolen from: Chucklebuns

My boyfriend works for a driving school. One of the great perks is you get to take the car out on the weekends. I'm telling you, that's one great party car. You can be doing lines of coke, smoking joints, be drunk out of your head, swerving all over the road. No one ever says anything. Even the cops say, "Get a load of the student driver." --Joan Keiter