Clean laffs

Joke stolen from: Clean laffs

"In international news, police in Italy have arrested 10 people for stealing more than $250,000 in fine wine and gourmet cheese. Yes, their motive is they were hosting a book club. When the police caught them, they said the thieves were armed and extremely constipated." -James Corden

Joke stolen from: Clean laffs

"A new study suggests that not all psychopaths are bad. 'Thank you,' said people who pour the milk in before the cereal." -Seth Meyers

Joke stolen from: Clean laffs

"Scientists believe they may have found a plant that is over a billion years old. Turns out it's the lettuce on a Carl's Jr. burger." -Conan O'Brien

Joke stolen from: Clean laffs

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife who was trying to feed her said to me, "Straighten her up."

I looked at my daughter and said, "What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up and take some responsibility."

My wife hasn't asked me to help with her since.

Joke stolen from: Clean laffs

"Today is the first day of spring! Yep, it's that day when millions of Americans look at their bodies in the mirror and ask, 'Can we get, like, two more months of winter?'" -Jimmy Fallon