Comedy Ezine - Zany Tidbits

Joke stolen from: Comedy Ezine - Zany Tidbits

NEW YORK - The owners of one restaurant had to draw the line when a patron insisted on eating his meals in the nude, especially since the business was closed at the time. The Tottenville Inn installed a surveillance camera to catch a thief who had been terrorizing the new business. When the tapes were reviewed the owners were surprised to see their landlord, Albert Hohmann, helping himself to expensive cuts of meat and vintage wines in the empty restaurant. But the unexplainable part is that Hohmann was walking around completely nude. Often he would top his nocturnal visits with minor vandalism, like turning on water taps and flooding the restaurant. Hohmann is a city firefighter currently suspended for petty larceny and criminal mischief charges.

Joke stolen from: Comedy Ezine - Zany Tidbits

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached.

It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.

They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Joke stolen from: Comedy Ezine - Zany Tidbits

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BEVERLY HILLS (DPI) - Ed McMahon, spokesman for Publishers Clearinghouse, was beaten up by an elderly neighbor after ringing her doorbell to borrow sugar, it was reported today. A complaint taken by Beverly Hills Police states that McMahon was baking cookies for a charity bake sale and had run out of sugar. When he knocked on the door of 83-year-old Shirley Shank's home to ask if she had any to spare, he was greeted by kisses and shouts of joy. When Shank found out McMahon's real intention, she "went ballistic and beat him pretty bad with a cane," witnesses said. McMahon is in guarded condition at a nearby hospital.

Joke stolen from: Comedy Ezine - Zany Tidbits

A would-be shoplifter in London attempted to steal two lobsters. The ingenious felon stuffed the lobsters into his trousers and headed for the door of the supermarket.

Near the exit, our larcenous Londoner doubled over in excruciating pain and lay on the floor screaming. It seems that the lobster's claws were not tied down and one of the tasty crustaceans decided to have the thief's family jewels for lunch.

The paramedics were called in to remove the carnivorous crustacean from the very sensitive portion of this thief's anatomy.

After they stopped laughing, a pair of pliers successfully accomplished the removal much to the relief of our suffering suspect.

No information was available on the extent of the member's (sic) injuries or his future fatherhood potential.

Joke stolen from: Comedy Ezine - Zany Tidbits

AMERICANS ALARMED BY THE SIGHT OF GWYNETH PALTROW'S BREASTS

Ridge Urges Calm An opinion poll taken in the aftermath of Sunday night's Oscar broadcast revealed that an overwhelming majority of Americans were "very alarmed" by the sight of actress Gwyneth Paltrow's breasts.

A full 92% of those polled agreed with the statement "I was alarmed by seeing Gwyneth Paltrow's breasts in that highly unflattering see-through dress she was wearing," with 83% agreeing with the statement, "I'm really scared of them."

On Monday morning, industrial production ground to a halt across the U.S. as workers stopped what they were doing to discuss whether they had, in fact, seen Ms. Paltrow's breasts through her seemingly transparent dress.

"Whether they actually saw Gwyneth Paltrow's breasts or not is beside the point," said Ms. Sheila Densmore, a workplace-issue psychologist in Bethesda, Maryland. "The key here is that they think they saw her breasts and are frightened by them."

Meanwhile, in Seattle, anti-globalization forces rioted in protest over what they called "an attempt on the part of Gwyneth Paltrow's breasts to dominate global markets."

"People can no longer ignore what Gwyneth Paltrow's breasts' true intentions are," one protester said. "Her breasts will not be satisfied until they take over the world."

As Paltrow breast-related panic rose to a fever pitch across the nation, Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge took to the airways to urge calm, but caution.

"I am currently issuing a code yellow alert, which means that we have information of a credible threat to America from Gwyneth Paltrow's breasts," Ridge said.

Ridge, however, refused to confirm published reports that one of Ms. Paltrow's breasts, the left one, had recently applied for a student visa. {From Borowitzreport.com}