Joke stolen from: DafterLafter

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train. When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. He told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."

To which the drunk replied: "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong train again!"

Joke stolen from: DafterLafter

At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.

He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.

The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.

She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where in Hell do you think he's calling from?"

Joke stolen from: DafterLafter


Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".

Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.

Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".

Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.

Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".

Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Joke stolen from: DafterLafter

My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.

One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring,, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter."

Joke stolen from: DafterLafter

John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway.

Then one day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball.

John had an idea. When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.

John never had to search for his paper again.