Dave S.

Joke stolen from: Dave S.

[Thieving Joker's Note: an oldie but a goodie!]

The Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray

Joke stolen from: Dave S.

Bush Threatens ISO Certification on Taliban

Washington DC - In an unexpected change of tactics, George W.Bush announced today that he would suspend military retaliation against Osama bin Laden and his terrorist network if bin Laden agrees to pursue ISO 9000 certification for his organization.

An unnamed source within the Bush administration said that bringing the terror group's processes into ISO compliance would "almost certainly give US intelligence agencies the upper hand in neutralizing bin Laden's effectiveness."

Additionally, Bush promised to provide bin Laden up to 500 personal computers equipped with the Windows 2000 operating system.

A defiant Taliban representative familiar with ISO certification said, "Fire will rain from the sky and monkeys will fly from my butt before we undergo this gruesome process. We prefer bombs to ISO auditors."

While military and intelligence experts hailed both moves as brilliant ploys to halt the spread of terror, human rights advocates urged caution and sought safeguards that ISO literature and Windows PC's would not fall into the hands of Afghan citizens, already laboring under adverse conditions.

Joke stolen from: Dave S.

Ever run into those real pains-in-the-asses who throw in irritating foreign phrases just to make themselves sound intelligent? Well here are some phrases you might find useful when you are engaged in such a conversation:

Podex perfectus es. You are a total asshole

De stella Martis vere venisti. You are definately from Mars.

Stercorem pro cerebro habes. You have shit for brains.

Caput tuum in ano est. You have your head up your ass.

Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum. Screw you and the horse you rode in on.

Joke stolen from: Dave S.

Redneck haiku

BEAUTY Naked in repose Silvery silhouette girls Adorn my mud flaps

BLAZE Distant siren screams Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with Gasoline again

ALONE Seeking solitude Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for Restraining order

DESIRE Damn, in that tube-top You make me almost forget That you are my cousin

DRAMA Set the VCR Dukes of Hazzard Marathon At 9 O'Clock

NO SIGNAL White noise, buzzing static Call Earl; satellite dish needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED Sixty-five dollars And cyclone fence keeps me from My El Camino

Joke stolen from: Dave S.

Good, Bad, Ugly....

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Good: You're son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's you're best friend.

Good: You're wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.