Dosti Yaari

Joke stolen from: Dosti Yaari

Perfect Date! I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to 'Cook her something she's never had before for dinner ' . After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la- King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrat ed rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kind of like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?) For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding. For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named 'Military Special'--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of 'Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavoured' (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess.....or it coulda been leftover sand from Egypt, either way). I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said 'This looks INCREDIBLE!! !' We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift 'wine' I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the 'Chocolate mousse' I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup. Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself 'uh oh' and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say 'What the hell is WRONG with me???,' as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said 'I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!' I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of 'Army food' she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said 'I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?' After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch. I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

Joke stolen from: Dosti Yaari

Didn't Your Mother Tell You? OLD MOTHER HUBBARD'S MOTHER: I don't care, I am not helping you raise all your kids, and who are the fathers? What are they doing to help support them? PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!" CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple." MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?" GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?" LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days." SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?" THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Joke stolen from: Dosti Yaari

In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a young, recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body just as they were about to go out on yet another of their interminable forays after the Holy Grail. He ran, panting, into the court to find King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other knights on their quest?" King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it is dangerous out there!" So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armorer and said "I need armour to go in search of the Holy Grail, what can you offer me?" The Armorer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stainless steel all- over protect-all with expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the same model in galvanized iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting chain mail for 60 livres Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said "What can you do for 20 livres?" The armorer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and Bucket you will find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into armour for you." So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he could carry and took them back to the armorer. This good man then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered. The only problem was that Sir Notalot clanked at every step. Sir Notalot walked back to the court - clankity, clankity all the way. He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and the King said "This is all very well, but you need a fine charger to ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow" Sir Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer. The farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or..." Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20 livres? That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow" The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this magnificent Saint Bernard dog which has recently been repossessed since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that do?" Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and galloped back to the King, dragging his feet in the dust as he went, with his armour clanking along, draggity, clank, draggity, clank. He reached the King, who said, "Just in time, the others have gone that way," pointing to the East. So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging his feet. at that point it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well. And then the rain was so heavy that the road started to flood and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started. Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper "Hail, inn-keeper, have you a room?" And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these round-tablers" In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have somewhere I can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he said, ... "You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

Joke stolen from: Dosti Yaari

A Texan cowboy was riding down a country road in Texas. A sign in front of a seafood restaurant read: HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL - Lobster Tail and Beer He got down, parked his horse in the car parking lot, started walking towards hotel wiping his lips with tongue, cleaning his hands on his ass, and said, "Lord, thank you, you gave me my three favorite things today."

Joke stolen from: Dosti Yaari

A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell." This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell. So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven." Another one said, "No, I did this bad thing. I won't make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon." At this point they noticed that one of the ladies (the only single women in the group, and a blonde mind you) wasn't saying anything. They turned to her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you'll be going to Heaven?" She says "No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!" They were shocked and asked, "Why??" "Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you?