Email Joke Archive

Joke stolen from: Email Joke Archive

Today We Mourn The Passing Of An Old Friend, Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure early in the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second (or even last, as long as your best efforts are given).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language and "new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers.

His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six-year old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools suspend students for giving aspirin to a fellow student.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

Two stepbrothers survive him: My Rights and Ima Whiner .

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Joke stolen from: Email Joke Archive

Mommy's Two Stoves...

Four year old Rebecca asked her mommy, "Do we have two stoves?"

"Yes," answered her mom, "the one downstairs we burn wood in."

To which Rebecca answered "Oh yeah, and the one up here we burn food in."

Joke stolen from: Email Joke Archive

Technologies That Should Be Revived To Make Our Lives Simpler...

** The Pony Express - Less pressure than email, and when you don't respond for weeks on end, you can always blame the horse.

** Muskets - Would make drive-by shootings virtually impossible.

** Papyrus - No paper cuts!

** Mimeograph Machines - The constant hand-cranking means you can skip going to the gym.

** Divining Rods - Potentially popular with dot-com start-ups seeking venture capitalists whose funds aren't all dried up.

** Eight-Track Players - Could trigger a Bachman-Turner Overdrive renaissance.

** Morse Code - Repetitive-motion index finger injuries are far less disabling than carpal tunnel syndrome.

** Two Cans and a String - The least-expensive wireless technology we've found so far.

Joke stolen from: Email Joke Archive

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the quiz show Family Feud.

** Name something a blind person might use -- A sword

** Name a song with "moon" in the title -- Blue suede moon

** Name a famous brother & sister -- Bonnie & Clyde

** Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers -- A horse

** Name something that floats in the bath -- Water

** Name something you wear on the beach -- A deck chair

** Name something red -- My cardigan

** Name a famous cowboy -- Buck Rogers

** Name a famous royal -- Mail

** Name a number you have to memorize -- 7

** Name something you do before going to bed -- Sleep

** Name something you put on walls -- Roofs

** Name something in the garden that's green -- Shed

** Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine -- A bicycle with wings

** Name something you might be allergic to -- Skiing

** Name a famous bridge -- The bridge over troubled waters

** Name something a cat does -- Goes to the toilet

** Name something you do in the bathroom -- Decorate

** Name an animal you might see at the zoo -- A dog

** Name something associated with the police -- Pigs

** Name a sign of the zodiac -- April

** Name a kind of ache -- Fillet 'O' Fish

** Name a food that can be brown or white -- Potato

** Name a famous Scotsman -- Jock

** Name a non living object with legs -- Plant

** Name a domestic animal -- Leopard

** Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' -- Knee

** Name a way of cooking fish -- Cod

Joke stolen from: Email Joke Archive

Actual Police Quotes:

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."