FarmJokes.com

Joke stolen from: FarmJokes.com

Funny Phone Messages: You want me to do what?

(Very fast) Hi, this is 555-1212. If you want to leave a message, please wait for> the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and ... BEEEEEEP

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hi, this is George. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.

Thank you for calling 555-1212. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big-time phone system.

Have a phoney weekend!

Joke stolen from: FarmJokes.com

I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY CAT, cat litter].

The best has to be: "JONNY CAT is the best value for your money. A 20 lb. bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more than 14 lb. bags!"

Other important info:

"100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat especially absorbent."

AND THEN they have a section for "Other Uses" of Jonny Cat:

"GARAGE SPILLS-sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains"

"TRASH CANS-a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies"

"REFRIGERATORS- an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent"

"GARDENS-enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth"

All this from a cat litter! Who could ask for more!

As I contemplated posting this, I glanced accross my desk at the used Dr. Pepper bottle, to find ONE MORE little tidbit:

"(!)WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR OTHER SERIOUS INJURY. POINT AWAY FROM PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHILE OPENING."

So remember, when you buy Dr. Pepper, be careful! AT ANY MOMENT, WITHOUT WARNING, it may just explode!

Joke stolen from: FarmJokes.com

The Procrastinator's Creed

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

Amen...Have a great weekend!

Joke stolen from: FarmJokes.com

The difference between Cats and Dogs...

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Joke stolen from: FarmJokes.com

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"What do you mean strange?"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"So!"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun!"