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COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

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"Once when I was younger I turned all the clocks ahead in the house by a few hours. The alarm rang and my dad got up at got ready for work. He showered and ate breakfast but when he left the house it was pretty darn dark and desolate outside. I wish I had a picture of his reaction as he stood outside in his suit at 3:00 AM. Yeah, he didn't find it too funny either but I sure did." --Official pain in the ass from Houston, TX.

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"In 1984 my wife, two kids, and I drove our 1974 Blazer about 80 miles to pick up a Jersey calf for the farm. On the way back the kids said they were hungry and opted for a stop at an Athens, Ohio McDonalds. When we pulled up to the window to recieve the food, the calf stuck it's head out the window beside me and let out a hearty MOOOOO!!! You should have seen the faces of the patrons inside eating their burgers near the front of the resturant!" --Doc Faw

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After living in town for years, we decided to "go country" - grow our own vegetables, burn wood, raise a couple pigs and keep some chickens so we'd have fresh eggs. But, not used to the ways of the country, we were always running out of things, and that led to my most embarrassing moment! A few days after getting 50 baby chicks, we ran out of chick starter. Figuring I could make do until I could get to town, I rummaged through my kitchen cupboards and put together a mixture of rolled oats and flour. When I put this "treat" out for our baby chicks, they went wild with excitement, and I left them to enjoy their meal. That evening, a friend from town stopped by, and , wanting to show off my "farming" ability, I asked her out to see our chicks. But when I looked in on them, I saw something was dreadfully wrong! All those chicks were toppled over on their sides, chirping like mad! And for good reason - when the flour I'd given them combined with their drinking water, they'd all ended up with dough balls the size of English muffins on their feet. It took me most of the night to remove those new "snowshoes" I had given them. -Lucy

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BIRDS & THE BULLS "We were driving along a country road when we passed a bull mounting a cow in a pasture. My 10 year old sister asked our Mom what they were doing and Mom said "They're having sex, dear." My sister, looking very puzzled replied "Well, she doesn't look very excited about it!" --Brenda