Gary's Fuckin' Funny Joke list

Joke stolen from: Gary's Fuckin' Funny Joke list

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure." - Mark Twain

Joke stolen from: Gary's Fuckin' Funny Joke list

Mary: Well, I've never known anyone so forward! This perfect stranger just walked up to me at the party and asked, "How would you like some mind-blowing, earth-shaking, window-shattering sex?"

Jill: I can't believe it!

Mary: Neither could I! When I told him, "No, thanks!" he just added,

"Well, would you mind lying down so that I could have some?"

Joke stolen from: Gary's Fuckin' Funny Joke list

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.

"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

"No, I can't" he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

Joke stolen from: Gary's Fuckin' Funny Joke list

One day I took my 6-year-old son with me to visit a friend at work. Everyone there knew me, and I was offered a cup of coffee.

That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, my son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.

Imagine my shock when I heard my son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"

Joke stolen from: Gary's Fuckin' Funny Joke list

The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.

When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.

He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."