Giggley Wiggley

Joke stolen from: Giggley Wiggley

Jill's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over again throughout the evening.

Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment, he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at dinner, and still again at the theatre. Now that we're here alone in my apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"

Joke stolen from: Giggley Wiggley

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "'And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs.'

Tammy said to her husband Doug, "I can't bend that far these days!"

Doug replied with a smile, "Well then, you'll just have to put your head between my legs."

Tammy looked wide-eyed at Doug, and asked, "if my head were between your legs, where could you put your head?"

"My love," replied Doug, "if you've got your head between my legs, I won't give a damn where my head is!"

Joke stolen from: Giggley Wiggley

Barbie c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole

December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:

Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly, Barbie

Joke stolen from: Giggley Wiggley

There are two sides to every divorce:

Yours and Shithead's.

Joke stolen from: Giggley Wiggley

Joey was hanging in a bar and his friends asked him if he had scored lately.

Joey told his friends man I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever, the only problem was she was a total Butterface!

His friends asked him what the hell is a Butterface? Joey answered everything about her was "HOT" BUT HER FACE!