JB

Joke stolen from: JB

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him. The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

Joke stolen from: JB

Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter and outdoorsman, was being interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or maybe 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'" Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next? Who am I going to screw next? and, Can I run fast enough to get away? They are very much like the French in that way."

Joke stolen from: JB

"One of these days they are going to remove so much of the 'hooey' and the thousands of things the schools have become clogged up with, and we will find that we can educate our broods for about one-tenth of the price and learn 'em something that they might accidentally use after they escape." -- Will Rogers

Joke stolen from: JB

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. 2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. 3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. 4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. 5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" 6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale". 7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. 8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. 9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub. 10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. 11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 56 Chevy. 12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call. 13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. 14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink". 15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too. 16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah".

Joke stolen from: JB

Teaching junior high school English, Miss Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers. One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine. When she graded his paper, Miss Speller added a little note next to his that said, ?Maybe next time you will do butter.?