Joann

Joke stolen from: Joann

A couple hired a maid to cook and do housework.

She worked out fine, till one day, after about six months, she said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She said: "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and they adopted the baby.

All went well, but soon the maid was pregnant again. The wife talked to her husband, and they adopted baby two.

Soon it happened again. They made the same offer, and adopted the third baby.

She worked for a week or two, but then said, " I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the wife.

"No," she said, "there are just too many damn kids here to pick up after."

Joke stolen from: Joann

REASONS TO BE A SINGLE MAN

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could come home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!"

Joke stolen from: Joann

[Thieving joker says: An oldie but a goodie! ]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter which is filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Joke stolen from: Joann

HE'S SO MEAN THAT:

1. If you kicked him in the heart, you'd break your toe. 2. He'd steal a dead fly from a blind spider. 3. He's deaf, and never told his barber. 4. You couldn't warm up to him if you were cremated together. 5. He sends get-well cards to hypochondriacs. 6. He'd cry over your wounds so he could get salt in them. 7. He has as much use for anyone living as an undertaker. 8. He applied for a job as a prison warden so he could put tacks in the electric chair. 9. The only thing he'll share with you willingly is a communicable disease. 10. He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him on the bus can only read half the headline. 11. He has a testimonial plaque from Kenneth Starr. 12. He dreamed that he died and the heat woke him up. 13. He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as canaries. 14. He'd throw a drowning man both ends of the rope. 15. He knifes you in the back, and then has you arrested for carrying a weapon. 16. He campaigned for a dry county, got it passed, and then moved away. 17. He told his children the Easter Bunny got run over by a car. 18. He was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but he got mad and broke it off. 19. He never hits a man when he's down--he kicks him. 20. He never eats his heart out; he'd starve to death. 21. He'd borrow your pot just to cook your goose. 22. Only gravediggers would enjoy working for him. 23. He gave his wife oysters and a rabbit's foot because she wanted pearls for her birthday. 24. He had three phones installed so that he could hang up on more people.