Joke of the Day

Joke stolen from: Joke of the Day

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"

Joke stolen from: Joke of the Day

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do.

There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings!"

Joke stolen from: Joke of the Day

We had been going crazy with a new copying machine that seemed to gobble paper like a piranha and needed repair almost every day. In addition, a large sign proclaimed: "Only qualified key operators are allowed to open machine. Please call one of the persons listed."

These people were very difficult to find at crucial moments, so someone scrawled on the sign: "Jammed if you do ... and jammed if you don't."

Joke stolen from: Joke of the Day

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter -- yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

Joke stolen from: Joke of the Day

TOP SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN FOR YOUR B-DAY PARTY!!

Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.

Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."

All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.