Just 4 Laughs

Joke stolen from: Just 4 Laughs

[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.]

8:00AM- Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02AM-Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13AM-Taco Bell chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04AM-Global economy collapses-except in case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly.

9:45AM-All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40AM-Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood.

11:32AM-In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling".

11:47AM-Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair", Moon becomes as blood.

12:00 NOON-Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."

12:03PM-Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.

1:11PM-Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46PM-Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.

3:18PM-Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn.

3:21PM-Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.

4:56PM-Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20PM-Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.

6:12PM-the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.

7:16PM-Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27PM-God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.

10:00PM-Todays winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!!

10:42PM-Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of left hand of Lamb.

11:30PM-God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?).

12:00MIDNIGHT-Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and-with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth-the world blows up.

12:03AM-In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince rename themselves "Susan."

Joke stolen from: Just 4 Laughs

OLDIE BUT GOODY PUNS AND JOKES :)

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Joke stolen from: Just 4 Laughs

Honesty In Hymns

THE WAY WE MIGHT SING SOME WELL-KNOWN HYMNS IF WE WERE BEING HONEST

I Surrender Some There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings Fill My Spoon, Lord Oh, How I Like Jesus He's Quite a Bit to Me I Love to Talk About Telling the Story Take My Life and Let Me Be It is My Secret What God Can Do There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today Onward, Christian Reserves Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following Just As I Pretend to Be When the Saints Go Sneaking In

Joke stolen from: Just 4 Laughs

One day while Bill Clinton was doing his morning jogging he noticed a little boy standing outside the white house gates. As curiosity got him, Bill jogged over to the gates to see what the little boy was doing.

As he approached the gates Bill was taken by suprise when he noticed a sign that said, "Democratic Puppies for Sale". Bill approached the boy and says, "What's up son?". To which the little boy replied, " I am selling Democratic Puppies, Would you like to buy one Mr. President?".

"No Thanks", Said the President, "but good luck". He then continued on his morning jog.

Thinking about how cute the puppies had been, Bill went to Hillary and told her about the Demoratic Puppies. THey bouth laughed about how cute, "Democratic Puppies". So they decided the next morning to go down to the gate to see about purchasing one of the Puppies. Bill and Hillary were glad to see that the little boy with the puppies was still there.

But to their suprise, when they appoached the boy, they saw the sign but this time it stated "Republican Puppies for sale"

Bill inquired about the sign stating, "Young man, yesterday when I was here you had a sign up stating that there were Democtratic Puppies for sale. Now today it says Republican Puppies for sale. What's the deal?"

To which the little boy replied, "Yes sir Mr. President, But today they all have their eyes open."

Joke stolen from: Just 4 Laughs

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"