King of all Jokes

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

This guy went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm having problems with my sex life!" Doctor: "What do you mean?" Guy: "Well, I'm just not getting any." Doctor: "Look out the window then." Guy: "Oh yeah, I see that convent. Good idea Doctor!" Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of mushrooms in front of it?" The guy looks across and sees a beautiful young nun picking mushrooms. The doctor then says, "Well, if you go place yourself underneath the mushrooms with only your dick sticking out, you certainly won't regret it."

The next morning, the guy is lying underneath the patch of mushrooms, with his dick sticking out, as the doctor had said, and the most beautiful young nun walks along with a basket. She starts picking mushrooms, while singing a little song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., four..." The guy cannot believe it; he is enjoying this so much.

That night while down at the pub, he is telling his story to his mates and one of them (who is very drunk) decides to go and try this out for himself. So, that night he goes down to the convent, and places himself underneath the patch of mushrooms, and leaves his dick sticking out. In the morning, the fattest, most repulsive and butch nun comes along with her basket.

She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four...,FOUR little mushrooms for my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket..."

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

Police Nab Breast-Temptress Thieves

BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - Three young Colombian women preyed on men by smearing their breasts with a powerful drug and luring the victims into taking a lick, before making off with their wallets and cars, police said on Friday. The women stood by the side of the road near bars and restaurants in wealthy parts of the capital Bogota, striking seductive poses to lure men driving by to stop, a police spokeswoman told Reuters. After licking the women's breasts, the men lost all will-power. They came to their senses hours later to find they had lost their wallets and cars but with no memory of what had happened. The three women, in their late teens or early 20s, were arrested in Bogota on Thursday in possession of powerful narcotic pills. "They dissolved the pills in water and rubbed it into their breasts," the spokeswoman said.

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

I was recently watching a video of that old 1948 thriller "Key Largo" with Edward G. Robinson, Humphrey Bogart, and Lionel Barrymore. I practically fell out of my chair at one point when Robinson (playing a gangster as only he could) says to the good guy (Bogart):

"Let me tell you about Florida politicians. I make them out of whole cloth, just like a tailor makes a suit. I get their name in the newspaper. I get them some publicity and get them on the ballot. Then after the election, we count the votes. And if they don't turn out right, we recount them. And recount them again. Until they do."

(REMEMBER - THIS WAS IN A 1948 MOVIE!!! ~~~ what a kick!!)

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

Worst Possible Opening Lines from Books

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. Some recent winners:

"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."

"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep."

"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon -- to become the woman he loved."

"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store."

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE BEST OF ALL:

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out,"..and cold,too!"