King of all Jokes

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh.'" She socked me one."

The first guy replied, "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered bitch.'"

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early.

Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks which she had forgotten to enclose.

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

Phillips fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man, leaving Sundays free.

Phillips threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillips swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed in a queer voice, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing."

"Shit," sighed Phillips, "there go my Sundays."

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

Joke stolen from: King of all Jokes

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So,where ya'll from? The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"