Laff A Day

Joke stolen from: Laff A Day

The kids were in bed, my wife was asleep on the couch and I was watching the Kevin Spacey movie K-PAX (a pretty good movie by the way) when the phone rang.

"Hellllo?" said a tipsy woman's voice.

"Yes?" I replied.

"Is Victoria there?" she kind of slurred.

"No. You have the wrong number."Who is this?" she said a little louder. "Where's Victoria?"Lady, you have the wrong number," I said and hung up.

20 seconds later the phone rings again.

"Listen," she starts rudely, "you'd better put my cousin Victoria on the phone right now!"Oh," I said, "Victoria? I'm sorry, she is here but she can't come to the phone right now because she's sucking my dick. OK?"And I hung up again. Then I laughed and turned around to find my wife staring at me with a look of horror on her face.

Joke stolen from: Laff A Day

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA tour events. Man, next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

-Jon Stewart

Joke stolen from: Laff A Day

"Oh, I can't drink these days. I'm allergic to alcohol and narcotics. If I use them I break out in handcuffs." --Actor and reformed addict ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Joke stolen from: Laff A Day

"They keep talking about this, but if Joe Leiberman wins, he will not be the first Jewish-American to hold the presidency in his hands; that, of course, was Monica Lewinsky." --Jay Leno

Joke stolen from: Laff A Day

WELCOME TO MINNESOTA, following are a few tips for anyone moving to this great state...

First, the West Nile fever season here is really short. Ditto, malaria and any other disease carried by mosquitoes.

At first, you may think snow is pretty. Snow is not pretty! By December you will feel as if you are living in a black- and-white movie. And there is a lot of snow! Deep snow! Deep snow that doesn't go away. The reason Northwest Airlines paints its tails red is so they can find the damned things.

You will find new loves here. One of them will be underwear that goes all the way down to your ankles. Any underwear above the ankle is considered lingerie.

When you pack to come to Minnesota, you need only to bring one short sleeved shirt (and that's only in case you want to fly back home for vacation). Short sleeved shirts are handed down here from generation. The short sleeved shirt season here begins July 26 and is pretty much wrapped up by 3:30 on the 28th.

We play a game here called hockey as well. Hockey coaches will kidnap your children before they even start school, so beware. They'll return them in April. As for baseball we never know if we have a team or not.

Minnesota has more than 10,000 lakes, hundreds of thousands of miles of rivers and streams, millions of acres of forest, and one Krispy Kreme. Guess where everybody wants to go?

And do not call the homicide division to a beer joint because of what you see behind the bar. That's only a jar of pickled pig's feet.

Welcome to Minnesota!