LaVonne

Joke stolen from: LaVonne

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.

The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.

The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.

The Mormons said, "Get the water buckets!"

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

Joke stolen from: LaVonne

Bill Clinton is in California helping Governor Gray Davis campaign. Because, you know, nothing makes more sense than having a recalled governor getting advice from an impeached president. (David Letterman)

Joke stolen from: LaVonne

I've still got it . . .

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

I used to have Saturday Night Fever... now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose -- some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life, provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes -- think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down... it's too hard to get back up.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

Joke stolen from: LaVonne

I'm sure you are all aware of what is going on down in Alabama. The good news is the U.S. Supreme Court will not hear of keeping the Ten Commandments in the court house. The bad news is they have named Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore the president of the United States. The Supreme Court was very clear. They said you cannot install a giant slab in a state building unless its name is Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Bill Maher)

Joke stolen from: LaVonne

DNA Evidence Clears Eve & Adam in Apple Biting Incident:

Eden -- Adam and Eve were innocent, according to the results of a new scientific investigation. DNA technology has posthumously cleared Adam and Eve, his common-law wife, of any wrongdoing in the so-called "Original Sin" at the dawn of mankind. "The DNA evidence clearly shows that neither of these two people actually bit the apple. In fact, the DNA present wasn't even human," says Edwin Rothschild, chief researcher for the U.S. Department of Ancient Agriculture.

Rothschild believes the DNA taken from saliva on the 25,000 year old apple was "probably from a monkey or something."

The news has shocked biblical scholars and God-watchers from around the world. A spokesman for the Vatican says, "Mankind has been doing penance ever since for a sin that never happened. If you ask me, God's got some 'splaining to do."

When contacted, God expressed regret at what he termed "an unfortunate misunderstanding" but refused to claim full responsibility. "You have to understand, we didn't have DNA testing 25,000 years ago. I figured, well, there's only two of them here, it must have been Eve. Who else would have eaten from the Forbidden Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge? Adam was too stupid to disobey me, and Eve was spending a lot of time with that snake, but in retrospect, looking back at five thousand years of human history, I guess I should have realized it couldn't have been the humans who ate from the Tree of Knowledge and was most likely a rogue dolphin or maybe a squirrel."

God refused to comment on reports that humanity will now be claiming aboriginal title to the Garden of Eden. "I don't even remember where it was exactly, but it's no doubt petrified by now," said the Supreme Being.

However, in a show of good faith to Eve and her descendants, who now number about two billion, God has removed the curse of painful childbearing from all women. Menstrual cramps will apparently be replaced by menstrual butterflies, and women will now only feel a slight tickling sensation when giving birth.