Oddjokes

Joke stolen from: Oddjokes

Joke stolen from: Oddjokes

A prominent Wall Street tycoon, Carmine Intervocalic, wants to hire an MIT C.S. graduate student to program the ultimate financial advisor expert system. It turns out that MIT is too expensive, so instead Carmine gets an undergraduate in applied math from the University of California at Hollywood.

After months of programming and millions of dollars of research, the programming is finally done, and Carmine proudly calls up his new toy. Instantly on the screen:

> Bank Street Advisor: Ready. Enter command.

Carmine (who learned his programming from TV movie spy thrillers) types in: > Request: Bank Street Advisor, Compute the secret to success on stock market.

The reply is instantaneous. Crackling on the neon green of the screen is one ominous flashing word:

'working'.

Carmine is nervous. He paces around. Nothing's happening.

Waits more. Hum. Nothing's happening. Waits still more, nothing.

To take his mind off of the wait, Carmine does some business work: Evicting widows and orphans, and so on.

Well, to make a long story short, days pass and, still, all that's on the screen is "working." The program's sucking in data at a hideousrate, but still no answer.

Carmine's frazzled, and his stocks are plummeting; he's forced to sell! Sell! Sell!

Carmine is almost broke when finally the answer comes up,

> Bank Street Writer: Answer computed. Hit space bar .. > Buy Low. Sell high.

Carmine's not amused. In desperation, he types in,

> Request: Bank Street Advisor, I need financial advice. What is the best financial advice you can give me? How can I stop wasting money?

The answer's fast:

> Sell the computer.

Carmine is plucking out his hair in frenzy. But he realizes that all he has to do is phrase his requests correctly.

> Request: How can I predict which stocks will go up in value?

Curiously, the answer doesn't take long:

> Make predictions while floating submerged in fizzy apple juice.

Carmine tries it, and it works.

"It works?" his advisors ask.

"Yeah, it works."

What, haven't you heard of in-cider trading?"

Joke stolen from: Oddjokes

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."

Joke stolen from: Oddjokes

"Darling," murmured Emmy to Baku, "when did you first realize that you were in love with me?"

"Well, I suppose," whispered Baku tenderly, "it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay."

Joke stolen from: Oddjokes

A group of theater students decided it would be fun to train a flock of chickens to perform Hamlet. After many hours of practice, it was time for opening night and the first performance.

Sadly, just as the first patrons were starting to arrive, a group of police officers arrived and closed the theater. The police department would make no official statement as to why the action was taken, but some officers commented privately that fowl play was suspected.