Original Sins

Joke stolen from: Original Sins

What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.

* When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." * Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. * Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni." * Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut." * Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. * Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section. * Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. * Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. * Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister." * Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. * Most suburban school districts would ban home economics. * Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?" * Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. * Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. * Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. * Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.

Joke stolen from: Original Sins

In order to enter, the man must give many caresses and consider the readiness of his wife; then, he must move in and out. Then he must attempt to release all his sperm in one burst, not in dribbles, nor must he raise or lower himself, as is commonly done for pleasure, but instead remain fixed in the hole so that the air cannot enter and corrupt the seed. -- From a 15th-century Italian guide to pregnancy

(**And next week, the Polish guide to conception...**)

Joke stolen from: Original Sins

And *what* do you do when you, a loving father, come home from work early to find your son whoopin' and hollarin' in front of the PC? Read one father's account of how he handled the situation when he found his son viewing an X-rated site. And *what* was his son's comment after the detailed talk with dear, old dad? "You know, Dad, this stuff is really boring."

Joke stolen from: Original Sins

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed,

"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Joke stolen from: Original Sins

Across the world in Albania, the government is dealing with another condom matter. But this time, it's condoms smuggled in across the country borders by "humanitarian groups" who simply want to "encourage safe sex" amongst Albanian citizens. Police recently made a raid grabbing over 5,000,000 "contraband" condoms. And, as usual, the condoms are sitting under the guard of police until government officials can figure out *what* to do with them. (**One Albanian government spokesman was quoted as saying, "We expect to give the condoms complete asylum and ship them to Texas."**) (an original sin, 2000)