Randy's Random

Joke stolen from: Randy's Random

A Select Senate Committee including Senators Daschle, Clinton, and Feinstein has announced that the rescue of the Pennsylvania coal miners has been canceled. By recommendation of the Committee, the miners will be placed back in the mine so the rescue can be done correctly.

The Senators noted the following violations in the rescue process:

1. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for possible air pollution.

2. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water.

3. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue without first performing an Environmental Impact study.

4. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.

5. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation of church and state.

6. Several people at this public, government-supported rescue mentioned praying.

7. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American society.

8. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given sufficient time to make speeches at the site in an obvious and intolerable act of gender and racial discrimination.

9. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any Republican officeholder owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine to flood.

10. No one mentioned that Al Gore invented coal mines.

"Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be undertaken again in an environmentally and politically correct manner that ALL Americans can be proud of," the Committee report noted.

Joke stolen from: Randy's Random

A goodie from my buddy Leo in Washington.

People of normal intelligence will laugh at it.

People of extra-normal intelligence will laugh twice.

True geeks will only laugh the second time.

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There are 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary, and those that don't.

Joke stolen from: Randy's Random

This is a REAL "preliminary" incident report from the National Transportation Safety Board. They're the folks that are best known for figuring out how and why an airliner has crashed, but they investigate ALL domestic airplane crashes -- 5-10 per day (!), as well as "significant accidents in the other modes of transportation".

Thanks to my buddy Jawn in Washington DC for pointing me to this report -- at http://www.ntsb.gov/NTSB/brief.asp?ev_id=20020328X00418&key=1

rc ---

NTSB Identification: SEA02LA058

Accident occurred Monday, March 25, 2002 at Fort Peck, MT Aircraft:Piper PA-18, registration: N22EV Injuries: 2 Serious.

This is preliminary information, subject to change, and may contain errors. Any errors in this report will be corrected when the final report has been completed.

On March 25, 2002, about 0730 mountain standard time, a Piper PA-18, N22EV, sustained substantial damage after colliding with terrain near Fort Peck, Montana. The airplane is owned by the pilot, and was being operated as a visual flight rules (VFR) flight under the provisions of Title 14, CFR Part 91. The commercial pilot-in-command and passenger sustained serious injuries. Visual meteorological conditions prevailed and no flight plan was filed.

The pilot was conducting a predator (coyote) control flight over private rangeland near Fort Peck, Montana. During the flight, at a reported altitude of approximately 40 feet above ground level (AGL), the passenger inadvertently discharged a semiautomatic 12-gauge shotgun. The pilot, who was seated in the forward seat, reported that the gun fired 3-4 times, striking the right wing and aileron assembly. He reported that the damage resulted in a loss of aileron and elevator control. The airplane entered a descending turn to the right and subsequently impacted terrain in a nose-low attitude.

Joke stolen from: Randy's Random

A friend of mine in Washington DC used to pass along clips of the weekly "Style Invitational" from the Washington Post's Style section. It's some of the best stuff in that paper -- weekly "Contests" asking the readers for entries on a wide variety of fun topics. Usually very clever ones.

The attached is reminiscent of their style, and I wouldn't be surprised if indeed it came from there.

rc ---

Glockoma: Causes a blind eye to be turned to the hand-gun problem in America.

Gangreenspan: A constriction of the money supply leading to necrosis of the economy.

Irritable Powell Syndrome: A disease of the Colin, causing meddlesomeness.

Congresstipation: The inability to eliminate waste in our federal government.

Scaliasis: Curvature of the spine that forces the patient to lean far to the right.

Gingrichitis: A gum infection caused by biting off more than you can chew.

Loopus: Shriveling of ego caused by being left out of important meetings.

Starlet Fever: A compulsion to invite celebrities to testify at congressional hearings.

Postnasal Tripp: Compulsive snooping, even after rhino-plasty.

Soft issue damage: Slippage in the polls over a minor policy matter.

Nymphoma: Unnatural attraction to interns.

Barry-Barry: An unmitigated nerve disease.

Joke stolen from: Randy's Random

ONLY THE BEST CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" oto someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children, and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M.. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."