Joke stolen from: Raynier

A man goes into a Barnes and Noble and asks the young female clerk, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title. "

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy."

Joke stolen from: Raynier

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

Says an obviously embarrassed Mick, " Me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

Joke stolen from: Raynier

It's a bit early for Iceland volcano jokes. We should wait awhile for the dust to settle. I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harbouring a "weapon of ash eruption". It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe. Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it. Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash. Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.

Joke stolen from: Raynier

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

Joke stolen from: Raynier

Fox News and CNN have reported that Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA Tour yesterday after "beating" the world's number one golfer. The news came after the world's number one golfer inadvertently played the wrong hole.