rubin

Joke stolen from: rubin

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, zat is the reason I stole de paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." See if you have de Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

Joke stolen from: rubin

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians... The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?' The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?' The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?' The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.' The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE'

Joke stolen from: rubin

RODNEY DANGERFIELD HUMOR My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I we nt over.. . Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early." My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Joke stolen from: rubin

Remember Sam Levenson? Not enough people do. He was such a clever man but time has diminished the memory of his wit. I thought I'd resurrect him, as his words today are as pithy as they were when he wrote them. "Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest." "The first screw to get loose in your head is the one that holds your tongue in place." "A goat also has a beard, but that doesn't make him a rabbi." "You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like an idiot." "Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea." "The greatness of this or any country may still be measured by the number of people trying to get IN vs. the number trying to get OUT." "The best defense of our country is to keep it at all times WORTH defending." "War doesn't prove who is right; only who is left." "War is better at abolishing nations than nations are at abolishing wars." "You can't shake hands with a clenched fist." "The U.N. has been as effective against war as foghorns have been against Fog." "Behind every successful Jew stands a bigot who could not stop him." "There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money." Re: sex education in schools: "Let them teach it! If the schools teach sex the way they teach everything else, the kids will lose interest anyhow."

Joke stolen from: rubin

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go...