Stolen Jokes

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married. After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father,Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?" She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family...

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

"The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I was laughing so hard I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable."

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

New Year's Party Tips for the Moderation Challenged: 10) Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the upper thigh, just take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone there, classy-chick. 9) The president of your company does NOT want to know how YOU think things are REALLY going. Cause you know what? If anyone really cared, YOU would be president. So just move along, smarty-pants. 8) Eat any and all cheese products you are offered throughout the evening. It works. I don't know why, but it does. I choose not to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. Just stick to the cheese and be grateful. 7) Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab and sent home. Translation: know your address, or at least have it written down somewhere. And for god's sake, hang on to some cab fare. 6) Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the bottle. (Use a glass, just this once.) 5) If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit BONANZA. Pace yourself, or you'll be bummed in the morning when you realize you were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy. If your party is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize" so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your friends. If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. It's only December 31st - you can get a new job at a company that will at least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez - it's New Years. Tight-asses! 4) Stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think of the hours and hours of fun and excitement you will have talking about what a drunken fool they were at the party the next day! (Oh...sure, I had 10 beers, but you'd think SHE'D at least slow down after number 11... duh?!?) 3) If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep your job, thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you. Bye bye. Check yourself out before someone has to check you in to the emergency room. (Note: Stumbling is perfectly legal.) 2) Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within 6 inches of your boss's body. Not for any reason, period. If you find your hands in need of something to do, get another drink for crying out loud. Or wait till you get home, Spanky. 1) Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with your intern on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

One day, Bill decided to take a trip from Montreal (where he lived) to that great city of Boston. He went to the airport to buy a ticket and found out the cost was $200 one-way. Well, Bill only had $100 on him. But he saw a sign saying half-fare for persons under 18. Well, now he had just turned 18 three months ago so he lied..a bit. And got a ticket for $100. W ell during they flight, he was making small conversation with the passenger seated next to him. And, in the course of their little chat, he mentioned the 18th birthday party his friends had for him. A stewardess happened to over-hear that part of the conversation and reported back to the pilot. The pilot checked his passenger list and noticed that Bill had only paid half-fare. A few minutes later, the stewardess asked him if he had $50 with him. Bill, slightly embarrassed, replied, "I only have $10, enough for a bus and a coffee after we arrive in Boston.. Why do you ask?" Stewardess,"I wanted to know if you wanted to buy this used parachute." Bill, "Whatever for?" Stewardess, "You only paid half-fare and you're over 18. We are half-way on our flight and you have to leave now."