Stolen Jokes

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

Man is Like an Automobile.... As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question! The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya! It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging. His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position' and ya can't get anywhere that way. But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

SIGNS OF TROUBLE IN SANTA'S MARRIAGE 10) He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students. 9) Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear." 8) He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed. 7) He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized holiday Barbie. 6) His new live-in person elf valet, Steve. 5) Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey. 4) He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake because he's bugged the bedroom. 3) Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee. 2) Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace. 1) Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants.

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "That's how they communicate!, Mom was simply saying, "Are you going o get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

Non-verified absurd sexual laws: The law in Guatemala pulls no punches in dealing with single women who have been accused of illicit lovemaking. Supposed female "fornicators," when seen in the streets, are to be stopped, spat upon, and beaten by the citizens of the community. Single men aren't punished at all when they've been caught in the act. In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and or anal sex. The same law doesn't apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other. Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed, called "the seduction of female students," is prosecuted as a felony. This statute applies only to male teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have sex with male students. A married woman in La Paz, Bolivia, is not allowed to drink more than a tiny bit of wine. One who does is considered by law to be morally and sexually lax, and her husband may divorce her for one sip too many. A husband in Honduras is guilty of adultery only when he has a mistress and when he "keeps her in a notorious manner." In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. Nudity, Peeping, or Viewing Another Person: In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom. In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.