Stolen Jokes

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

25 Ways to Annoy Your Roommate During Christmas 1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and trash on the floor. 2. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off. 3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it. 4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..." 5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips. 6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year." 7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games. 8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.") 9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow. 10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..." 11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song. 12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!" 13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc." 14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!" 15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!" 16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street. 17. Pin a poinsettia to your lapel. 18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank." 20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings." 21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear. 22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally. 23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..." 24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn." 25. When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!" "YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention. The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general. "Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off. "YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly. "Now that's courage!" says the admiral. "Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!" "YES SIR!" replies the private. "Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first." "YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task. "Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!" They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says. "YES SIR!" "Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst." The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "F**K YOU SIR!" The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. 'Do you enjoy it? 'The doctor asked.' Actually, yes, I do. 'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No... I rather like it. 'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if That's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from.'

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

This morning. the math teacher singled a young Harry out to ask him, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?" Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.