Stolen Jokes

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

There are three guys in a bar talking about how much their wives complain and bitch at them. They decide that when they get home and their wives begin bitching about them that they will do anything that their wives complain about regardless of how ridiculous their request is. The next weekend they were in the same bar telling about their experiences with their respective wives during the previous week. The first man said, "I don't think that the idea was such a good idea after all." "I was sitting in my recliner watching tv and I dropped my cigarette onto the recliner burning a small hole in the seat." My wife said, "Why don't you just burn the whole house down?" I did so. "The place is still smoldering." The second man said, "That isn't anything, I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and dented the hood and fender." She said, "Why don't you just tear the whole car apart?" "It took me all night to dismantle it." The third man said, "You guys ain't got anything on me." "When I got home, my wife was cleaning up the kitchen, and I was feeling a little horny." I reached down and grabbed her crotch." She said, "Cut that out." He held out his hands and showed them what he was holding in them," He said, "Did you ever see a pussy real close?"

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict. The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better. She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. "Why is that?" he asked. "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? 1. The things housed by a bra give out a single type of output, the things housed by panties give two different types of outputs 2. In the product evolution history, the bra was initially formed by a single piece of fabric (a kerchief, actually. In India - a kanchuki), while panties were initially formed by two different pieces of fabric joined by a string. 3. the two breasts are basically the same stuff - simply mirror images. The nether regions housed by panties are of course not mirror images or something - they are different organs. 4. a bra can be rightfully worn by ONE single gender - the ladies. A panty can be worn by BOTH genders (re: David Beckham and other such kinky characters) 5. Panties is plural simply because it is a short-form of pantaloons/pants - perhaps early panties were truncated pants/pantaloons? Now, here's a very possible explanation - hear me out :) The word brassiere is connected with "woman's underbodice," from Fr. brassière "child's blouse or shoulder strap" (17c.), from old French braciere: arm guard - from bras "an arm," from Latin brachium. So, the origin is really the arm guard, as something to brace one's shoulders - a military origin of the word. Now, the arm guard was worn by male soldiers as well as the female soldiers, correct? For the male soldiers, the arm guard was on only one side anyways - hence the singular form of the brassiere is valid here. Now comes the interesting part - the female soldiers, and their arm-guards/braces/brassiere Which is the most popular historical genre of female soldiers? The amazons, of course. What is the legend of the amazons? That they were fierce soldiers and, interestingly, had a practice of cutting off one of their breasts, so that they could draw the bow-string fully without being hampered by their breast. Obviously, their breast guard/brace/shoulder strap would be singular, since they had to brace only one breast. (did you know that the word amazon etymologically means "having only one breast" (a- "without" + mazos "breasts)? ). Ergo - the brassiere is singular, and panties are plural

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and affecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help. He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober). He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so. By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication. About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay." His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life. "Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked. "No, nothing so drastic" he replied. "Its just when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different."

Joke stolen from: Stolen Jokes

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken". She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". She sent me to the principal's office again. This school stuff is really confusing.