The Daily Dose

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

Jones watched in astonishment as the man standing next to him at the bar ordered a dry martini, poured its contents into the sink, then nibbled away at the bowl of the glass. He did not stop till only the stem was left. He placed that carefully before him and ordered another dry martini.

This continued until five stems were standing before him and then the man left.

The bartender, noting Jones' astonishment, said with a smile, "You seem surprised, sir."

"I'll say I am," said Jones. "The darn fool left the best part."

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

2000 Darwin Awards Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin

(24 April 2000, Oregon) A misplaced faith in the miracle of duct tape led to the demise of a man boating on the Columbia River on Monday evening.

Duct tape has a reputation for fixing any problem.

Steven and a friend were fishing in a 12-foot aluminum boat held together with multiple duct tape repairs, including the motor mount. Suddenly they encountered rough water and Steven stood up in the boat.

The vessel, rated to hold 200 pounds, capsized and tossed the two men and their 640 pounds of equipment into the water.

The US Coast Guard rescued the surviving companion on Tuesday morning, but Steven was not so lucky. He was found dead in an ill-fitting life jacket. Perhaps if he had duct taped it in place, he would still be sailing the river in his rickety dinghy, instead of holding a Darwin Award.

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

In 1843, Sir Charles Napier won smashing victories in Sind, a region along the lower reaches of the Indus River in what is now Pakistan.

With security in mind and with the realization that British public officials were routinely expected to know Latin, he sent the one-word message, "Peccavi."

It is Latin for "I have sinned," and that was all anyone needed to know.

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sunset.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes. I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

Mark Twain once encountered a friend at the races who said, "I'm broke. I wish you'd buy me a ticket back to town."

Twain said, "Well, I'm pretty broke myself, but I'll tell you what to do. You hide under my seat, and I'll cover you with my legs."

It was agreed. Twain then went to the ticket office and bought two tickets.

When the train was underway and the supposed stowaway was snug under the seat, the conductor came by, and Twain gave him the two tickets.

"Where is the other passenger?" asked the conductor.

Twain tapped his forehead and said in a loud voice, "That is my friend's ticket. He's a little eccentric and likes to ride under the seat."