The Daily Dose

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

A man sought medical aid because he had popped eyes and a ringing in the ears.

A doctor looked him over and suggested removal of his tonsils. The operation resulted in no improvement, so the patient consulting another doctor who suggested removal of his teeth. The teeth were extracted but still the man's eye popped and the ringing in his ears continued.

A third doctor told him bluntly, "You've got six months to live."

In that event, the doomed man decided he'd treat himself right while he could. He bought a flashy car, hired a chauffeur, had the best tailor in town make him 30 suits. The he decided that even his shirts would be made-to-order.

"Okay," said the shirt maker, "let's get your measurement. Hmm, 34 sleeve, 16 collar--"

"Fifteen" the man said.

"Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated, measuring again.

"But I've always worn a 15 collar," said the man.

"List," the shirt maker said, "I'm warning you. You keep on wearing a 15 collar and your eyes will pop and you'll have ringing in your ears."

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

ROME - A man who kept wild animals in his home in southern Italy was found dead - eaten by a lion, Italian news reports said Sunday.

Police said the man kept a lion, tigers and a panther in the basement of his house, as well as many dogs and cats.

Authorities said they were investigating if the 50-year-old man was alive when attacked by the lion or if he had died a natural death a few days earlier while in the cage and the animal, with no one to feed it, then ate the body.

The reports said the man apparently didn't have the permits necessary to keep exotic animals as house pets.

Editor's Note: [Ah-ha! If he only had the permit this tragedy might have been avoided.]

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin ............................... and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

An elderly man named Neville was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room.

A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head, "No.... Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."

Joke stolen from: The Daily Dose

THE POWER OF THE GOLDEN ARCHES RULE

... American cultural exports and plain vanilla globalization. They are now all wrapped into one.

Martin Indyk, the former U.S. ambassador to Israel told me a story that illustrates this point perfectly. As ambassador, he was called upon to open the first McDonald's in Jerusalem. I asked him what he said on the occasion of McDonald's opening in that holy city, and he said, "Fast food for a fast nation." But the best part, he told me later, was that McDonald's gave him a colorful baseball hat with the McDonald's logo on it to wear as he was invited to eat the first ceremonial Big Mac in Jerusalem's first McDonald's -- with Israeli television filming every bite for the evening news. The restaurant was packed with young Israelis eager to be on hand for this historic event. While Ambassador Indyk was preparing to eat Jerusalem's first official Big Mac, a young Israeli teenager worked his way through the crowd and walked up to him. The teenager was carrying his own McDonald's hat and he handed it to Ambassador Indyk with a pen and asked, "Are you the ambassador? Can I have your autograph?"

Somewhat sheepishly, Ambassador Indyk replied, "Sure, I've never been asked for my autograph before."

As Ambassador Indyk took the hat and prepared to sign his name on the bill, the teenager said to him, "Wow, what's it like to be the ambassador from McDonald's, going around the world opening McDonald's restaurants everywhere?"

Somewhat stunned, Ambassador Indyk looked at the Israeli youth and said, "No, no. I'm the American ambassador -- not the ambassador from McDonald's!"

The Israeli youth looked totally crestfallen. Ambassador Indyk described what happened next: "I said to him, 'Does this mean you don't want my autograph?' And the kid said, 'No, I don't want your autograph,' and he took his hat back and walked away."