The Joke Doctor

Joke stolen from: The Joke Doctor

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

Joke stolen from: The Joke Doctor

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Joke stolen from: The Joke Doctor

How would you like to tell people you live in one of these places?

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy) Bastard (Norway) Beaver (Oklahoma, USA) Beaver Head (Idaho, USA) Bone Gap (Illionis, USA) Chinaman's Knob (Australia) Climax (Colorado, USA) Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada) Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border) Dongo (Congo -Democratic Republic) Donk (Belgium) Fuku (Shensi, China) Fukue (Honshu, Japan) Fukum (Yemen) Hold With Hope (Greenland) Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA) Lickey End (West Midlands, UK) Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland) Middle Intercourse Island (Australia) Monkey's Elbow (Kentucky, USA) Muff (Northern Ireland) Nobber (Donegal, Ireland) Pis Pis River (Nicaragua) Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines) Seymen (Turkey) Shafter (California, USA) Shag Island (Indian Ocean) Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK) Stains (Near Paris, France) Tittybong (Australia) Turdo (Romania) Twatt (Orkney, UK) Twatt (Shetland, UK) Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany) Wankener (India) Wankie (Zimbabwe) Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe) Wanks River (Nicaragua) Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

Joke stolen from: The Joke Doctor

The Top Ways to Celebrate Spring Internationally

RUSSIA: Get off the mile-long line for firewood; get in the mile-long line for umbrellas.

HOLLAND: Annual Easter Clog Toss

VATICAN CITY: The Pope presides over the ceremonial casting out the first sinner.

ISRAEL: Throw cute little stuffed animals filled with rocks at the Palestinians.

LIECHTENSTEIN: Send annual "we're still a country" notification to the U.N.

CHERNOBYL: Night Parade Of the Glow-In-The-Dark Chickens

TEHRAN: Can now attend "Death to America" rally in shorts.

BAGHDAD: Before inspectors begin their hunt, replace anthrax eggs with slightly less nauseating Cadbury eggs.

TOKYO: Godzilla turns his fancy from a path of destruction to thoughts of love.

ENGLAND: Leichester Larry comes out of his flat and smiles. If any teeth are straight, 6 more weeks of rain. Otherwise, 5.5 more weeks of rain.

IRELAND: Swimsuit issue of "Soccer Hooligan Illustrated" hits newsstands.

BOSNIA: Annual switch to "Daylight Bombing Time" requires setting your quality of life back another decade.

Joke stolen from: The Joke Doctor

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call signs any longer):

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"