The Rave

Joke stolen from: The Rave

"We've got a date with Destiny, and it looks like she's ordered the lobster." -- The Shoveler (William H. Macy) in the Movie MYSTERY MEN.

Joke stolen from: The Rave

Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?

Joke stolen from: The Rave

The Plain Dealer - Knowing he would go to prison if he failed another urinalysis, Donald C. Milligan Jr. designed a contraption to fool drug testers. The 36-year-old draftsman from Cleveland modified a sex toy so it would deliver urine supplied by a friend. Milligan was on probation for a March drug possession conviction and had to submit to random drug tests. On April 5, he tested positive for cocaine and opiates. Five days later he was called in for another test. He could have passed the second test, if he hadn't used again. But he had. So, Milligan inserted a tube into the sex toy connected to a glue bottle filled with a friend's urine. He put makeup on the toy to match his own skin color, took the contraption into the testing center and feigned urination. But the plastic prosthetic didn't fool a Cuyahoga County probation officer, who was trained to observe the sights and sounds of urination. Milligan was forced to submit a legitimate sample, which tested positive for cocaine and opiates. And his friend's urine tested positive for cocaine and opiates, too. Milligan was sent back to prison for a year for violating probation.

Joke stolen from: The Rave

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor....He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business .

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front her."

Joke stolen from: The Rave

WJLA TV - A group of high school students visiting DC got more then they bargained for when they stopped at a national monument last month. The students were the winners of a nationwide patriotic essay contest. It all happened at the Jefferson Memorial, a monument to one of our founding fathers. The award-winning group of high school students became so filled with patriotic pride, they spontaneously burst into singing the National Anthem. "It was an awesome feeling. You just thought, I am so blessed to be a part of this great country," said Kirsten Winston, student. However, that feeling did not last long. They got almost to the very end when the National Park Service asked them to stop. A Park Ranger asked them to stop because according to a federal regulation, any time a group of 26 people or more gathers at a national monument and attracts an audience, it is considered a demonstration, which requires a permit. The students were the winners of the VFW sponsored essay contest, ironically entitled: What Price Freedom? Needless to say, an apology came and the National Park Service blamed a new employee.