Joke stolen from: Unknown

Contributed by Norman, from the east coast of Australia

A man walks into a bar with a big green frog growing out of his forehead. The barman naturally asked how it happened and the frog replied "It all started with a pimple on my bum'.

Joke stolen from: Unknown

A Japanese tourist walks into an outback bar with a white cockatoo on his shoulder. When the barman asks where he found it the bird replies "There's a whole busload of them in the carpark".

Joke stolen from: Unknown

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada great, (not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Canada" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

Joke stolen from: Unknown

Texas cattleman in a bar in outback Australia is boasting about size of his ranch. "Takes me three whole days to cross my spread on a horse"... an old Aussie cattleman on the next stool takes a long, slow pull on his beer and replies "Yeah. I had a horse like that. Had to shoot the lazy bastard".

Joke stolen from: Unknown

The Politically Correct Twelve Days

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship to me:

a.. TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

b.. ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note)

c. TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping

d. NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression

e. EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans

f. SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands

g. SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

h. FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration. NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.

a. FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

b. THREE deconstructionist poets

c. TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and

d. ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck!

Happy Holidays!!!! *

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day .